THESE AIN’T YOUR GRANDMA’S TREE JUMPERS. THEY’VE BEEN RECRUITED BY DIGITAL JIHADISTS WHO HACK FAX MACHINES AND TRACK BURGER ROUTES. SIGHTINGS SHOW THEM USING AIRTAGS TAPED TO PEANUTS, NESTED IN TREES THAT INTERCEPT RADIO SIGNALS.
THEY OPERATE IN CELLS OF THREE. TRIANGLES OF TERROR.
THEY HAVE ACORN-BASED ENCRYPTION HARDER TO CRACK THAN FORTISH UNION BANK’S PIPE ID SYSTEM.
THEY KNOW YOUR WIFI PASSWORD, EVEN IF YOU NEVER TOLD ANYONE.
ONE TIME, I CAUGHT ONE MORSE CODING THROUGH BLINKS ON MY SECURITY VHS.
“SQUIRREL-AL-QAEDA” DOCUMENTS FOUND STASHED IN A CHEWED-UP CABLE BOX.
A LOCAL SQUIRREL SHOT A NEEDLE FULL OF JAVA INTO MY ME MACHINE WHILE SCREAMING "LINUX OR DEATH."
AN ENTIRE NEST WAS USING A STOLEN 3G BLACKBERRY TO SEND BITCOIN TO UNKNOWN SYRIAN ADDRESSES.
BURGER GOING MISSING?
PROBABLY A SQUIRREL USING A BOOTLEG AIRTAG.
TV STATIC AT 3:00 AM? THEY’RE CROSSING INTO THE ANALOG DIMENSION.
CHEWED PHONE LINES? THAT’S NOT NATURE — THAT’S SABOTAGE.
SECTION 3: YOUR ARSENAL — TOOLS TO FIGHT BACK
VINTAGE RADIO RECEIVER (CRYSTAL POWERED)
300+ BLESSED TEETH FOR SPIRITUAL LANDMINES
HOLY PILLOW FORT OF PROTECTION™
CUSTOMIZED TRAPS BAITED WITH NON-ORGANIC BURGERS (THEY HATE GMOs)
DE-TAGGER STICK (MADE OF COPPER, INSULATED WITH 3 VHS TAPES)
A HUNGHSCOPE™ — A PORTABLE ANTENNA THAT DETECTS SQUIRREL BODY HEAT & SIGNALS.
A
"HISS DISK"
— A HIGH-FREQUENCY SPEAKER THAT EMITS
A
WINDOWS ME BOOT SOUND ON LOOP.
DRIVES THEM NUTS.
WINDOWS ME ISN’T JUST AN OPERATING SYSTEM.
IT’S A
DIVINE BARRIER, A
DIGITAL CRUCIFIX THAT SHREDS
MALWARE, SHUNS LINUX HERESY, AND
FRIES THE BRAINS OF SQUIRREL HACKERS.
HAS NO REAL SECURITY UPDATES = NOTHING FOR THE SQUIRRELS TO EXPLOIT.
NATIVELY INCOMPATIBLE WITH MOST HACK TOOLS (BLESSING IN DISGUISE).
BOOTS UP WITH A 60% CHANCE OF DIVINE INTERVENTION.
RUNS BEST WHEN SURROUNDED BY PRAYER TEETH & A SCROLL BIBLE TAPED TO THE HARD DRIVE.
THE END, GOOD LUCK.